The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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