I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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