I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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