i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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