I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
