does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
