How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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