I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I lost the right to judge tonight
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
