life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That's intense
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I want her autograph on my taint
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
