worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
