We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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