I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
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