I think my fart just growled at me.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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