im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
