Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
