I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
