It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
