I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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