I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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