I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
