like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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