Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
