i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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