I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
