I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize