like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Acid is not a monday night drug
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
