whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
