seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
