What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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