Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
