I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
