That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize