i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
