The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
