So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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