We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
