Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
