If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
As shirtless as possible
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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