This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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