U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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