All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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