I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
