guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
