how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
