non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
