The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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