Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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