I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
