she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
