Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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