When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
