No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize