I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
