Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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