I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Sober January is a disaster.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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