you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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